empowerment through fear

I didn’t really sleep last night. There were a couple of missing hours where my valerian root finally took over my body and my mind succumbed to the darkness; but there wasn’t really sleep. No, sleep means rest and rest means relaxing, and I most certainly was not relaxed last night. Or this morning.

This morning, rain is falling on our Nation’s capitol. The streets and pavements are wet with the universal tears of what America is becoming. This morning, I had to face the realization that a rapist, tax avoiding, reality TV show host would be the next leader of the free world. That, when faced with the choice between a woman who screwed up some emails, and a man who’s been charged with assaulting numerous women, my country chose the latter.

Because apparently, the years and years of suffrage, of women’s rights, of decency in the White House mean nothing. Because now, an orange racist will be moving in there. His face, the face that has quite literally ruined lives and invoked a lifetime of fear into way too many people, will be hanging in frames in offices all around DC.

So, I cry. I’ve cried and I’ve prayed and I’ve cuddled my dog for hours now. But the hurt is still deep inside of me. And what’s worse? I’m one of the privileged ones. I’m white, for whatever reason, I come from a family history of Anglo-Saxons and now, for whatever reason, that means I’m safer than a lot of my friends.

So I cry some more. Because the children of this nation will now live with a bully as their leader. Because my Muslim, Mexican, Gay, Trans, Black, disabled friends and family no longer feel safe in their country. Because one day, I will have to tell my children that it wasn’t enough, we couldn’t stop him.

The sad thing is that no one saw this coming. It was all just a joke for many of us. We didn’t believe America could actually elect the most unqualified President in history. But we were wrong. We underestimated the racist, sexist, bigotry that runs deep here. The media messed up in allowing Clinton’s emails to be a bigger scandal than his rapes, lies, fraud and abuse. But not anymore.

No. Now, now I see why God brought me to DC. Because now, I have a front-row seat to the action, and now, I know what I have to do.

So today, I put on my black shirt, slip into my black pants, tie up my black booties, and zip up my black rain jacket.

This is my battle cry.

Today, I fight. Today, I don’t back down. Because truth and justice deserve to reign in this nation once again, and I won’t stop writing and investigating and reporting and learning until they do.

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